Acceptance

It is now Day 30 of our NICU/CNC Journey and for about 3 weeks, Josh and I have been praying for Jaxson to poop. Yes, it can be normal for a newborn baby to have a hard time pooping, but something to remember is that a preemie who is having an issue eliminating can cause great fear into their parents and their babies medical caregivers. Very scary diseases and very scary words have been exchanged, and I think I go every diaper change with a tear in my eye - (I've finally found something that has made this Atheist pray!). However, last night helped us sleep...(ok not sleep) a little more easy. Every 2 1/2 hours I have been setting my alarm before he's due to feed, get him ready, change him and nurse..Well at 2am to my delight - A HUGE poop was starring me in the face. I was so excited even when I cleaned him all up, he pooped again...and again...until 4 diapers were wasted! Even at 2am, I was really excited to clean poop off of my hands...I doubt I'll feel quite as excited as I continue to become wrist deep in feces in the future!

This morning Jaxson had a follow-up ultrasound of his brain - which we don't know the results of but as the doctor came in - she assured us that the ultrasound was routine for 3 weeks, 6 weeks and 30 days of being in the NICU, to monitor developments. She also told us that his "intestinal issues" were doing well, and to think of all of those muscles down there as just that, muscles...they need work and practice to make perfect...and it makes sense. She put our minds at ease, and made me realize how much I need to trust my doctors and nurses here. I know that I am Jaxson's mom and I have this incredible bond and instinct - it is up to me to speak up and share my voice as he cannot. BUT, I need to not obsess of all the scary things because simply...IT IS ALL OUT OF MY CONTROL. All of it. I cannot control any sickness, any mental handicaps/retardation he may have, I cannot control his vitals, his bowels, anything...All I can control is the fact that I'm going to be a l loving parent who will provide him with a home and love forever, and make sure he has a wonderful, comfortable life no matter what. I need to sit back, take care of him the best that I can, continue to nurse him and wake up those long hours to pump (even when I don't want to) because those are the things I can control...


Although I've never been religious, my mother use to share this prayer with me, and it really has helped me get through many different situations....courage and faith as our guide.   

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

        --Reinhold Niebuhr