Deflated..

We have been in the NICU for 5 weeks today...I am finding myself anxiously awaiting the finish line.  Jaxson weighs 5lbs and 4oz today. He is strong and growing well - more on track than before, and the doctors have increased his feedings again. We are still having problems with his digestive track, and on and off he gets some aspirates from his stomach and  he is unable to have a normal bowel movement - so we are continuing to work on this, but its very hard to see him in so much pain and uncomfortable. He is up crying, fussy and grunting continuously, and I feel helpless to console him.

The doctors have been urging us to go transport Jaxson to a hospital closer to home - but financially I don't know if we can afford the ambulance ride, and I'm not sure what the facilities will be like when we get there - I'm feeling like we're all on our own with these decisions, as the help had been so available and been so great before, I feel like we're falling through the cracks.

I am feeling slightly defeated, lonely, angry...feelings I've often felt before, and am finding more common recently. I am sure the sleep deprivation and anxiousness to get out of here are mostly to blame for this. I am getting tired of trying to make people understand what is going on and what i need, and am frustrated that I am being perceived the way that I am. I don't understand how I am so misunderstood in such a horrible situation where things shouldn't even need to be said.  No one matters to me but my son, and my focus is to get him out of the hospital. I am sorry that I am hurting feelings - I simply don't know what else to do. If I had to take other people's feelings  into account to get through the day, I'd go crazy.